Seeing Life From The Floor

The trepidation over comes my mind as the inners of my body are mixed between a electrical storm, and violent heaves. I have been having these episodes so long now, I have been tempted to start classifying and naming each as though it were a hurricane. I have a mix tape “per say” of worship songs I play when first serge strikes. With “O My Soul” currently being on repeat.

It is so hard in these weak vulnerable moments not to just give up and give in. I cry out to our Lord. Where are you God? Are you there? If you are, why have you not answered this prayer? Why is it some prayers go unanswered? I do all the things you ask, yet my body is rapidly depleting.

This chronic illness steals so much! Time with family, intimacy with my spouse. Freedom to walk, drive, and shop as I please. It takes away my composure, my speech. The days of Showering without payment are long gone.

Like me you probably have a prayer that has went unanswered maybe I am even telling your story. In the begging as things become new and things start to be taken like Reese’s peanut butter cups at Easter. It can be scary. We search in trusted professionals, doctors, and spiritual leaders for the answers. We put a lot of emphasize on a diagnosis or a name, because without a name, who here on earth will believe us. Did you catch that. Who here on earth will believe us. When did mans voice become our scale of identity?

Desperation has me groveling for a ounce of empathy from the ones I most hold dear. When they let me down, because they will! Desperation turns to self loathing and depression.

Chronic illness has no battle to come out swinging in over time. It is the movie Ground hogs day on repeat for the rest of your life. The big difference, each morning instead of the bonus secrets from the days past. You have to start the day with the list of things that are being taken from you.

Grieving these things as quickly as possible like the Character in 50 first dates. Every morning getting a playback to remind her of the events since her car accident. You take inventory of what is working today and how to make the best of what you got left.

Meanwhile trying to have composure and dignity to bite your tounge as family, friends and strangers judge, critise, and give advise. The conversation leads to calamity when a friend offers a cure. If I only use the same apple cider remedy they used for their cold. If I changed my diet, or prayed more, believed more there is always if I did something different or more I could be healed.

Having to lay down my loss and grieve my self, my life the one I thought I was supposed to have. The one I was having before. The active girl who use to get made fun of because she couldn’t sit still to watch a movie. The one that was always questioned why she ran or did step aerobics. The mom who didn’t sit on the sideline and watch the game, but played the game. Grieving the wife who loved to cook, but no longer could stand over the stove. Grieving the independence to go to work and help support our family.

Grieving this person was no different than having to loose a loved one. Hospitals, Death, disease, surgery are all words I have known since my earliest memories. When I was small I would sleep on the hospital floor as my mom cared for my grandma. The patient is different and I wont sleep on the floor, but If they gave frequent flyer miles to people for hospital visits I would have my own wing.

When I got down on my knees and grieved for the loss of myself and the acceptance of what was here and now. It was although the clouds parted and there was a light shinning directly on me from above.

See what I didn’t get, was I wanted everyone else to accept this disability, I wanted them to love me for the way I was now going to have to live my life. Yet I was not willing to accept it! I was so angry at the situation, at my family, and even God for not being able to help me. I wasn’t seeing. It wasn’t my body that was broke. It was my heart!

Once I grieved my old self, I became new. I found a new me. I found new purpose. New adventures. New hobbies. Some old hobbies I could never find time for because I wouldn’t sit down. The best thing I found was that God was right there beside me the whole time waiting for me to come back to him. To give him this piece of my life that I was holding back!

There are days that are extremely hard, I have to hold onto the last mountain I overcame and know that when I start to climb down off this current one the view will be glorious. I see things with binoculars on. I don’t want to miss what he has in store for me over the cliff. If I fall, Our Lord, Jesus will be right there to pick me up!

Everyday I have to check in with my Soul first. If I check in with dry bones, damaged goods it is to easy for Satan to lead me down a path of why ME’s and what if’s when reality is I have been healed in ways I could have never seen coming.

Seeing life from the floor has helped me see so much more.

If you find yourself bound by chronic illness surrender, drop now and grieve your old self with me ask God to glorify your days. He has told me, I am not finished and neither are you!! You still have a breath in your lungs fight! Fight!
Stand firm in your life and know that ash and bones do not say who you are, but God calls you by Name!

Heal me, O Lord , and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.
Jeremiah 17:14 KJV
https://bible.com/bible/1/jer.17.14.KJV

please enjoy this song from my list of worship songs. I am sure this song will hit home.