“An Untold Story Never Heals!” —-My Book Review on “We Too” By Mary DeMuth

In her book “We Too,” Mary DeMuth has inspired so many to come forward.   I met Mary at a conference in 2018 when we sat together for the pre-conference main event. Without knowing just a few hours later I would be sitting in her workshop “How to write a compelling Memoir.”

It may be hard for someone who hasn’t been a victim of sexual nature to understand this. But as was for my case the response by the people I held closest was the trigger to a lifetime of not being valued worthy of protection.

Mary states “Some survivors even believe that the response to their story is even more traumatic than the assault.” I couldn’t agree more, and I will add that after a victim comes forward and is forced to bury the abuse it leaves secondary scars like a botched surgery.  

 My x-husband served on the front line in the Iraq war. When he returned home, I went to put my arm around him while he was sleeping. I didn’t even have time to blink and he had picked me up and threw me out of bed. This Knee Jerk reaction was part training part PTSD from being on high alert for a year. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in our military is not talked about nearly enough, but it is where we hear the term most often. It is often looked at as being weak.  So, it is no wonder we don’t discuss PTSD in rape, abuse, and assault cases.

 I have on 2 separate occasions been in automobile accidents that demolished my car and left physical scars that I deal with to this day. There is a similar emotional effect that both these car accidents and my sexual assaults have in common. Loss of Control.  The next time I was near that intersection, or the place of trauma I was on high alert. It is not just the physical and emotional, but all of my senses. Touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste.  

Let’s say you are on your way home from a family reunion. When your hit by a drunk driver.  As you get to the hospital you find out it was your uncle Barney. During the accident you lose your leg and your car was totaled.  

Your family asks you to keep the fact that Uncle Barney was heavily drinking at the family reunion a secret. Uncle Barney has a wife and six kids.  They tell you that uncle Barney has had 3 DUI’s. He will most likely be facing Jail time, lose his license, his job, and his home.  You call your insurance agent, your trusted professional and they tell you that you didn’t have any loss. That with physical therapy and a prosthetic you will be good as new. They also advise because you have a second car there is no need to replace the one that was totaled. They would not pay for the damages.

•  What would your response be?

The next thing you find out is Uncle Barney’s car got totaled also and your family wants to set up a go fund me for his car to be replaced and all his medical bills.

• This sounds absurd right?

Well this is exactly what happens with victims of sexual crimes. On the occasion’s when someone comes forward the perpetrator receives the attention of forgiveness. The are given the benefit of the doubt at the cost of the victim. They are excused from their behavior for many reasons.

The victim is asked to forgive the perpetrator by family, employers, and even churches. They are told to have mercy for the perpetrator. After all it is a sin like any other right?

Mary’s book “We Too” goes into some great details about Forgiveness and how you can find true forgiveness in a repenting person. Not a caught person, there is a difference. She has some great biblical truths that we can look to on what we should do for the victims.

Much of the book she looks at the church and doesn’t just say that we as a church need to change when a victim comes forward but gives the church firsthand testimonies. A ton of research that I will cherish as I lead women and It will be a book I will come to over and over again until we no longer have reports of Sexual Crime.   

I ask you that if someone tells you of their story of sexual, physical, or verbal abuse. YOU DO NOT have to fix it! What is said to a SURVIVOR when they come forward can validate or discredit what work the ENEMY has used the abuser to hold over the lifetime of your loved one.  If you do not know what to say, SAY THAT!  Let them know you are there to listen. Help them find help and stand with them as they report the crime.

I would like to gift this book to one of my readers, If you share this blog I will enter your name 3x in a drawing, 4x if you sign up for my blog and each comment, or like will get you one entry.

Entries by September 10, 2019